What happened?
Philadelphia, PA
Nestled inside a buzzing coffee shop in Downtown Philadelphia, I find myself immersed in a whirlwind of tasks. My notebook and laptop lay before me, a canvas where budget spreadsheets, ChatGPT prompts, and Notion pages on various topics like meal prepping, physics curriculum planning, and website ideas compete for my attention. My smartwatch reminds me to stand, but my focus remains steadfast, hopping between tabs and engaging in the world of ideas. The clock ticks, and I remind myself to leave in time for the afternoon sessions of the teacher conference I'm attending. As I lose myself in the low-energy, low-volume Twitch livestream of my favorite Legend of Zelda gamer playing in the background, I can't help but reflect on how my neurodivergence adapts to unstructured personal work time. Amidst this introspection, I'm captivated by the sun's warm embrace, streaming through the coffee shop's glass windows, making this corner booth a delightful, coffee-scented haven on a bustling, yet peaceful July morning.
As I sit here, my purpose is clear—to immerse myself in writing once more, to rediscover the essence of who I am through the written word. This journey begins with recounting the events that unfolded since my last blog post in late 2020, a time when the darkest stages of the pandemic were gradually receding. During that period, I repositioned myself as an educator deeply committed to equity and innovation, navigating the tumultuous clash of pandemic expectations on both teachers and students. However, just as I thought the storm had passed, life presented me with another pivotal experience, compelling me to redefine my identity as a teacher once again.
For me, the rollercoaster of life took a challenging turn when I found myself facing a divorce while also becoming a new homeowner in the summer of 2021. Suddenly, the financial responsibility of supporting myself became paramount, and I made a difficult decision that would profoundly impact my teaching career. In the midst of personal hardships, I chose to take on a 6/5th teaching assignment—opting for financial stability at the expense of prep time and my own satisfaction as an educator. This decision would lead me down a path of self-doubt and questioning, but it was also a journey of growth, self-discovery, and the eventual realization that change was necessary.
The Shift in Priorities:
As someone who once prided themselves on being an innovative and creative teacher, I couldn't help but feel a tinge of shame and guilt as I embraced the extra workload. Teaching had always been more than just a job; it was my passion, and I had promised to do "whatever it takes" to provide an exceptional learning experience for my students. However, life had other plans, and I found myself at a crossroads where financial stability became a driving force in my decision-making.
Surviving Mediocrity:
Accepting the 6/5th teaching assignment felt like a compromise—a deviation from the high standards I had set for myself as an educator. I knew deep down that I was capable of so much more, but the weight of financial responsibilities clouded my judgment. I grappled with the idea that I might be settling for mediocrity in my teaching career, and the thought gnawed at me. I felt disconnected from the teacher I used to be, and the absence of writing, which had once been a creative outlet and a means of connecting with others, mirrored the emotional distance I felt in my profession. I hadn’t realized how much accepting this assignment would also push me to confront my own perfectionistic expectations of myself. As previously posted on this blog, I had already summited a mountain of learning when it came to achieving work-life balance and sustainability. So much so that I was eager to share what I’d learned with other educators through my writing as well as presenting at conferences and symposiums. Reaching this new level of awareness of how I ardently I was holding on to standards of what it meant to be a good teacher was another wake up call.
Finding Healing Amidst Hardship:
As the second year of my 6/5th teaching assignment rolled on, I managed to find some solace amidst the challenges. By summer, I had successfully refinanced my home—a symbol of my newfound independence. To alleviate some financial burden, I welcomed an incredible roommate into my life, and our budding friendship brought a sense of warmth and support. Furthermore, I found myself in a committed and healthy relationship that allowed me to explore shared interests and embark on exciting adventures. This period of my life taught me the importance of self-care and enjoying moments of solitude, tending to my home, and nurturing my personal growth outside of the classroom.
A Time of Reflection and Transition:
The two years away from my previous standards of teaching allowed me to question my career path and contemplate other opportunities. I revised my resume and applied to various jobs outside of teaching, exploring options in human resources and skills training. However, the lack of responses from those applications offered me clarity. It became evident that my heart still lay in education, but the challenging environment and overwhelming workload had stifled the satisfaction I once derived from it.
The Struggle with Mediocrity:
I grappled with the reality of delivering lessons that I knew could be more engaging and impactful but lacked the energy and time to execute them as I desired. Week after week, I watched my classroom practice become merely "okay” at best. It was a constant internal battle, knowing that I could do better, yet feeling trapped by the constraints of my workload. But this struggle was a turning point, and it fueled my determination to make a change.
A Journey of Empowerment and Reclaiming Passion:
As the second year of my 6/5th assignment drew to a close, I knew without a doubt that something needed to change. My financial situation had improved, and I no longer felt trapped by necessity. So, I made a decision—to return to teaching on a 4/5th assignment, in a subject that had always brought me confidence and excitement to teach. The reduced workload would grant me the time and space I needed to pursue personal endeavors, reignite my creativity, and prioritize my well-being.
Lessons Learned:
Life doesn't always unfold according to our meticulously crafted plans, and that's okay. It's during these trials that I have learn resilience, compassion, and the importance of self-forgiveness. I may have had a year that felt like a detour from my passion, but it taught me valuable lessons about adaptability, setting boundaries, and the undeniable strength that comes from accepting our imperfections and following my intuition. Now, as I reflect on those trying times, I feel compelled to share my journey—the good, the bad, and the imperfect. Writing this blog post is a part of my healing process, and I hope it can be a source of inspiration for others who have faced similar struggles.
The Road Ahead:
With a lighter teaching load on the horizon, I am exhilarated by the possibilities that lie ahead. I yearn to reignite my passion for writing. Embracing this newfound freedom is both thrilling and unnerving, but I am determined to embrace the challenges that come with it. This upcoming chapter marks a turning point—a return to a version of myself that thrives in the classroom and beyond, where my passion for teaching coexists harmoniously with my personal growth and creative expression.
Note: Some parts of this blog post were generated with the help of an AI language model. While the AI provided a foundation for expressing my experiences, emotions, and journey as a teacher, the overall narrative is a reflection of my personal thoughts and reflections. I've shaped the content to align with my unique experiences, ensuring that my authentic voice shines through. Thank you for joining me on this journey of rediscovery and renewed passion in teaching.
